A night within a morning

based on reason, science, or so-called evident truths, we look at time as something linear, continuous, always moving with us moving with it, directing forward all the time.

for some, time moves faster for them than others. for some, time moves slower for them than others. if you "feel" like time is moving fast or slow, then are you purely "feeling" meaning you're not being rational as you are basing your truth on simply emotion. We can get all philosophical here, but perhaps I should not continue to delve into it.

This year is my most busiest year. It seems like I've adjusted quite well to my classes. I'm no longer as stressed out as I used to be over tests and assignments as I just naturally do them now. I'm reflecting on how I used to spend my "time", this linear conception we've come to understand growing up.

Sometimes, I wish I still had the time (Whatever that means) to catch up on the latest movies, tv shows, things that unite a lot of people nowadays. Being in this sanitized bubble of privilege, I've been realizing so much of my detachment to outer societies--whatever they may be. I feel like I am still living in the past. I need to have some time to catch up on time sometime.

It's the morning from a late night of partying again. I should be sleeping, but I can't. This feeling is coming back to me and I can't seem to digest it. Let it feed on me again for old time's sake

Stuck In The Attic

I feel like Anne Frank,
not hiding from the Nazis,
but from the Future.

I am hiding in the attic
in the Past.
How dusty everything and

I am chained to the hands
of this clock.

I feel like puking out
what money had to buy

the shores of my
own desires.

Passed in the Past

It's 5 AM and I still do not know why I'm still awake. I suppose I've gotten so past the sleepy stage that I am now wide awake.

Recap:
-APALI 2009 was definitely a revolutionary year. I am so grateful to have been an intern for this year. No regrets.
-I was able to pass Astronomy class with an astonishing grade of a C+ with little to no effort put into studying for the tests and giving my attention in class. I really disliked the professor who was incredibly condescending and self-righteous towards his students. Screw that guy! I could not stop thinking about how he looks so much like Plato/Aristotle and Santa Claus.
- <3
-I am disappointed that I was not able to catch up with more old friends. I have to keep on reminding myself not to get so caught up in me and my own little world that I create under the circumstances I am in.

Lately, I've been thinking about how and where I fall within the time continuum of space and time (philosphical isn't it?). I've thinking a lot about my past obsessions with computers and technology, especially back in middle school, aka the Counter-Strike days. The days of anime, AzN PryDe along with growing popularity of AzN youth typing in "hip" sticky-capped internet ebonic langauge, searching and experiementations with identity.

I felt back then I was truly ahead of my time in terms of my expertise with computers. I had truly thought that I was going to be a computer engineer or computer programmer until my parents told me my "element", which is wood, was not compatible with steel, which in this respect is associated with computers. I remember helping all my friends with their computer hardware and software problems in person as well as on forums such as viaarena.com and tomshadware.com. I was proud that I had knowledge many did not have since during this time, not many people had computers. This was a time before myspace and facebook while xanga and blogs were gaining a lot of popularity. I was so proud to be a computer geek or nerd. I felt I was ahead of my time relative to the friends I had who did not have access to the type of computing langauge I had.

But now.. I feel like I'm still stuck in 2001. I often get surprised of how "mainstream" internet langauge is nowadays: LOL, LMFAO, OMG can be heard in songs and tv shows. Programs are made so user-friendly nowadays that I feel a lack of independence and control to how I used to feel about using programs from back then. Webpages do not have to be self-coded in HTML anymore. Pirating movies is not just limited to IRC anymore, but can be downloaded and watched on streaming sites and torrents. In many respects, I feel like how my computer is everyday--always becoming obsolete with each second that passes.

I feel like the world that I am an insider, yet outsider in is moving so fast like the skinny kids in my PE class mile-runs that my chubby self cannot keep up with their ever fast times. I'm always a few laps behind. Clocks have hands, but will never give you a helping hand because even when you are behind, it will keep on moving, ticking and tocking, without you.

12 hour days

I've been having 12 hour days interning and taking a class at De Anza; from 8am-8pm. My internship is with APALI, the Asian Pacific American Leadership Institute. So far it's been a great experience. I am really learning a lot about myself, my leadership, and privilege through this program. In fact, I was actually a student in 2007 during the summer before my 1st year at Berkeley. So APALI has been a part of me and my political identity formation for the past 2 years. I really love it

And for the class, I'm taking Astronomy in which I fall asleep whenever the lights go off and the projector turns on. The classroom is in a planetarium with seats that stay reclined for you to gaze up into the spheric ceiling of stars and planets. It feels like the Back to the Future ride at Universal Studios. I am still sad that they got rid of it. I'm taking the class to fullfill my Physical Science breadth requirement. Good thing only the units or credits transfer, not the grade because I do not plan on buying the book or studying for it extensively. I'm basically half-assing the class. hehe

The fact that I am going to be a 3rd year hit me today while I was talking to Huy, one of my good friends from Van Lang who is also going to be a senior in high school. On top of busy days, I've also been guiding and counseling a few friends and family friends on personal statements and college stuff. Everyone's getting older. Back when I was a kid, I never really paid attention to time. I had thought things would stay the same probably because I was sheltered. I didn't move a lot. I had a consistent room. My parents were consistent with each day with the roles they carried out in the household. Wishful thinking indeed.

Summer is great so far! I hope to continue to catch up with old friends and make new ones.

Best Man

I could still remember when you used to take me down, sit on my face, and fart on it. And another time when I got really mad at you, I threw a stapler to your face. Luckily you dodged it or else I would've regret it even more. Now, it's time for your wedding this Sunday. It looks like I have to throw a speech at you on your wedding day.

My brother Bob's wedding is this Sunday. He chose me as "best man". I seriously have not come up with a speech yet. I've been youtubing and reading tutorials and guides on how to make this speech. I'll try to whip up something by tonight hopefully.

I'm happy for my brother. When I was still a boy with all my three brothers still living in the house, I could never have imagined what is to come on Sunday. It seems so surreal that I will be up there with him and his future wife, Maria, speaking. It's going to be an interesting night. I'm excited to have a larger extended family here and in the Philippines!

Too Fast, Too Late

Finally, it is getting hot. The sun is shining. The skies are blue. Once again. The wind blowing through what is left of my hair, I keep on rolling the the lever for the windows to sink so everyone else with their windows down can hear the music too. The speakers are bumping bass-intensive trance music to pass this drive by faster. Faster. Faster so I can pass everyone by. This repetition of melodies cycling round and round this never ending road leading me down and down that I am actually going up waiting for the climax waiting for a brick on the road anything anything

I push the gas pedal, the engine roars like a mechanical lion. This jungle, I call 87 N, has a lot of traffic during this time. I smell the gasoline burning, intensifying the heat of this hot day. These exhausted pipes fuel this air. I can see this air getting more rigid like waves of a toxic ocean, like the transparent outlinings of ghosts. So empty, yet dense. I can taste the bitterness of this so-called necessity to go faster, to maintain this speed.

I am trying to get home 75 miles per hour. The fast lane, though it's just me.. It's 3:27. 3 minutes until the middle of the hour. I can't stand being in the middle. I wish I could have those 30 minutes back because time is so precious. That's what I've been taught.

PAUSE.

Where am I? Where am I going really? How am I really doing? Output more Q's so more A's can come out at such an alarming rate. product product. BEEP BEEP. It's TIME to WAKE up, but I'm too tired to get up again and again and again. To get back on this road. Back and forth. Back and forth. I am beat down by time though so many people want to beat time. Sometimes, I just want to take it slow so I can see myself move without the blindfolds.

I'll be sure to give you time.

Distance to Closeness

The roads stretch far into the distance. I have yet to reach Closeness Inn at the median of this road. I am not too close, but I can get there if I keep on moving. My feet hurt from walking this gray, stone pathway. This cannot be Wizard of Oz again. The more concrete I walk on, the more concrete this distance I've been keeping from people becomes. I wish I had my razor scooter to get there faster. But, wait, is time really that important to me?

Tick Tock. My grandfather clock calls from the grave. He looks from the altar. Tick Tock. Shall I move on?

This cannot be Wizard of Oz again. You are the new-age the tin-person from today's standards: The robot, who show me the how it is like to have a heart. Perhaps, I am the robot. We are robots together I suppose. Please travel with me to Closeness Inn. I don't want to walk this road alone. Let's reach Closeness together.

This cannot be Wizard of Oz again, but it is now that I see it that way.